December

I know I haven't written for a while now.  My weight loss journey has hit a bit of a speed bump.  I'm maintaining my weight, but December is a very hard month for me.  My mom passed away a couple of years ago in December.  This used to be my favorite month.  It was my mom's "nameday"(a Polish holiday) on the 4th, her birthday on the 6th, my parents anniversary on the 8th, then of course Christamas, my birthday on the 26th and then New Years Eve.  It was a big month for celebrations.  Then 2 years ago, December 9th, 2011 my mom passed away.  I was really close with her and her death hit me like a ton of bricks.  I hate December now.  All I correlate it with is her death.  For the past two years every time the time comes closer I have a harder time with everything.  And slowly every day as the month goes on I cry more every day.  People say it gets easier with time but so far it has just gotten harder.   I tried to separate my feeling from it this year and I planned my "Dirty 30" but as time got closer I realized I couldn't seperate the two.  I canceled my dirty 30.  People asked me why, people said oh you should still celebrate that your mom brought you into this world.  But I can't.  It's just too hard.  With everything that's been going on as well I just feel too overwhelmed.  

In January I'm going to start a new job and so this has sped up the clock on all my medical crap.  I have an appointment for an MRI of my uterus on Thursday.  So far all the stuff they have done hasn't worked so the likelyhood is that I have some disorder or disease that gives me a constant period.  So.... Hysterectomy here I come.  I have to get it done though at least 4 weeks(recovery period) before 1/27/14 so that I can have FMLA otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do at my new job.  I really don't want another year of this and that is how long I'd have to wait after going to the new job.

I have really dealt with the fact that I won't be able to have children.  I mean I am going to be a cop so no kid to worry about it's mom coming home.  So that's a plus.  Plus I can adopt.  Plus should I ever want a little Dorota running around, I believe, since they are leaving in my ovaries they should be able to extract eggs after and implant them into a serrogate.   So really there are many options.  I mean I have a friend whose parents adopted several children and those kids were blessed to be taken away from harmful situations and be given good lives.  

Would it be easy? Well duh, of course not, but what ever really is?  Life is hard.  Life finds ways to kick you when you're down and then kick you some more.  BUT you have to get up right?!  I mean I miss my mom SOO ridiculously much every day but I can't give up.  I'm only about to turn 30!  If I gave up my mom would kick my ass in my dreams.  She would be so mad at me.  That's not how she raised me.  

So this year I am trying to change things a bit. I decided to start a new(for us) Christmas tradition.  Something new to give me barrier for the holidays.  I bought Christmas stockings and holders and put fun things in them.  One for me, one for my papa, one for my sis, one for my soon to be brother(in law) and one for each of the puppers. 

This is my way of trying to pick myself up.  What's yours?  What do you do when times are tough and you think you won't get through it? 

Sometimes I play Daniel Bedingfields song "Gotta Get Through This".  Those words and the up beat tempo sometimes are a good motivator.  No matter what we will get through this.  There are so many people and animals for that matter that are so much less fortunate then I.  I feel ashamed for moping at times.  I will get through this.  Will life kick me when I'm down?  Yeah, probably, but no one ever said life would be easy or fair right?

Alright well I have jumped around and gone from sad to positive, back to sad and back to even almost inspirational.  I hope someone takes something good out of this and passes it on to someone who may need it. Good night all.  :)