I survived!

My surgery went amazing well and I am feeling pretty darn good.  Does it hurt?  Well duh!  But not nearly as much as I was anticipating.  I thought stairs would be rough but that wasn't too bad either.  The hardest part I think is sitting down and standing up.  But anyway.  Left the hospital, waited upwards of 45 minutes for my meds at the hospital and now I am home sweet home and my sis is here to take care of me.  Have to admit I am tired.  Didn't think I would be this tired today.  Oh well rest is required after surgery.  :) Goodnight all!  I may not knock out yet but I'm going to relax.  Have a great night!

June 26th

Tomorrow, almost today really, is the big day for me.  Tomorrow is surgery day.  I am excited, I am nervous, I am hopeful, I am scared and I am slightly sad.  

I am sad at the thought of not being able to have my own kids, myself anyway.  I would have to have a surrogate.  

I am scared that something will go wrong and that my pain meds won't work. (I hate being resistant to meds).  I am also nervous for these reasons.  I guess I could really lump the two together...I'm nervcred?  I'm scarvous?  I don't know.  Whatever it is...it is.

I am hopeful that I will no longer have these issues and that this in turn will help me lose weight.  Yes, I do know that many people say they gain weight after, but per research I have done on the internet which I have no site for (I think it was WebMD) it said that women gain weight after this surgery due to prolonged periods of not doing anything. Now you may be wondering, hmmmm, why does she hope to lose weight?  This has nothing to do with losing weight, does it?  Well you would be correct, it doesn't.  My theory and hope is two fold.  One, when you take out a uterus, tubes and a cervix, that's a whole lot of tissue!  That's gotta weigh at least a couple pounds right?!  That is my less logical hope.  My second hope/theory is that it will curb my appetite a bit for meat.  You see even though I have had this stupid gushing period for many years now, and I have lost many pints of blood due to it throughout the years, I have never been anemic or lacked iron.  I propose that this is due to my craving for meat.  This being said I hope that after my surgery I will stop craving meat so much since my blood level will even out and I won't need so much iron.  Now honestly, I don't know if this is realistic or not.  I told my doc this theory and she didn't dispute it so I think it gives it merit.  I guess only time will tell.  :)

And I am excited!  I am excited to finally feel like I have control over my body.  I am excited to spend some quality time with my sis who will be taking care of me Friday and Saturday night. (Thursday I spend the night at the hospital).  And I am excited to get to spend time at home for a couple weeks and get some reading done for my Insurance class test in September.  

Now in all honesty we will see how things develop and maybe I will just spend the next two weeks knocked out.  

I printed off a Last Will and Testament form and a Living Will form.  The things you can find online.  I tell ya!  But you have to think of these things before going under the knife.  You can't leave things up to chance...well let me rephrase that, you SHOULDN'T leave things up to chance.  

Anyway I should probably go back to getting my place cleaned up before tomorrow.  Don't want to come home to an obstacle course.  :)

Good night everyone and wish me luck tomorrow.  I'm thinking good thoughts!

Iiiiiii'mmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaack!

It has been way too long since I have posted here.  I apologize for that.  Life took hold of me and wouldn't let go.  So many changes have occurred and so much has happened.  

I switched jobs, planned a bridal shower and a bachlorette party, had decided to let a friend go, moved and fought with family.  I ran out of meds and lost my mind for a hot minute.  And for a while I had been having a hard time being positive and happy.  Been concentrating on the bad and playing victim, thinking why is this happening TO me?!  Feeling overwhelmed and just tired and sad. A few weeks ago I had a self reflection moment and I decided I was done throwing myself a pitty party, I was done playing victim and I was done being sad and pathetic.  I decided to be happy.  Let me tell you it has payed off.  Not only am I actually happy but I was down 2.8 lbs the first week at weigh in.  Needless to say, that made me even happier.  :)  Even when I went up I was only up by one pound and now I am back down 1.4.  It's not a HUGE amount but it's steps in the right direction. 

Tonight I reorganized my fridge to make it more WW friendly.  The way fridges are designed veggies and fruits are hidden in a drawer and let's face it, we forget about them.  We waste money by letting it spoil and we end up eating complete CRAP instead.  I decided to put some drinks and my veggies on top, fruits and eggs below that and the bottom shelf is bread, cheese and meat.  The drawer is now for my alcohol and other crap that really don't need to be out in the open because I should NOT be consuming it that often.  Out of sight and out of mind...I hope anyway!  UFTA!

FINALLY I have been able to schedule my surgery and it's coming up QUICK!  June 26th I'm going under the knife.  Wish me luck folks!  I'm kinda scared.  Didn't realize it was that serious of a procedure.  My sis went in to have her gallbladder removed and she was in and out the same day, I'm gonna be spending a night or two in the hospital and out of work for 3+ weeks.   Sigh.  We will see what develops.  

On a sad note my fishy, Frankie the Fin passed away not long ago.   😥  I decided I can't do fish anymore.  I don't have the best of luck with them.  So I decided to get guinea pigs.  I got them from Craig's List.  A mom and daughter combo.  Super cute.  The mom has warmed up to me but the daughter is still cautious.  

Frankie the Fin...

Mama...

Daughter...

Well ladies and gents I think it's time to say goodnight.  It has been a long day and I am ready for some peace and quiet.  

December

I know I haven't written for a while now.  My weight loss journey has hit a bit of a speed bump.  I'm maintaining my weight, but December is a very hard month for me.  My mom passed away a couple of years ago in December.  This used to be my favorite month.  It was my mom's "nameday"(a Polish holiday) on the 4th, her birthday on the 6th, my parents anniversary on the 8th, then of course Christamas, my birthday on the 26th and then New Years Eve.  It was a big month for celebrations.  Then 2 years ago, December 9th, 2011 my mom passed away.  I was really close with her and her death hit me like a ton of bricks.  I hate December now.  All I correlate it with is her death.  For the past two years every time the time comes closer I have a harder time with everything.  And slowly every day as the month goes on I cry more every day.  People say it gets easier with time but so far it has just gotten harder.   I tried to separate my feeling from it this year and I planned my "Dirty 30" but as time got closer I realized I couldn't seperate the two.  I canceled my dirty 30.  People asked me why, people said oh you should still celebrate that your mom brought you into this world.  But I can't.  It's just too hard.  With everything that's been going on as well I just feel too overwhelmed.  

In January I'm going to start a new job and so this has sped up the clock on all my medical crap.  I have an appointment for an MRI of my uterus on Thursday.  So far all the stuff they have done hasn't worked so the likelyhood is that I have some disorder or disease that gives me a constant period.  So.... Hysterectomy here I come.  I have to get it done though at least 4 weeks(recovery period) before 1/27/14 so that I can have FMLA otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do at my new job.  I really don't want another year of this and that is how long I'd have to wait after going to the new job.

I have really dealt with the fact that I won't be able to have children.  I mean I am going to be a cop so no kid to worry about it's mom coming home.  So that's a plus.  Plus I can adopt.  Plus should I ever want a little Dorota running around, I believe, since they are leaving in my ovaries they should be able to extract eggs after and implant them into a serrogate.   So really there are many options.  I mean I have a friend whose parents adopted several children and those kids were blessed to be taken away from harmful situations and be given good lives.  

Would it be easy? Well duh, of course not, but what ever really is?  Life is hard.  Life finds ways to kick you when you're down and then kick you some more.  BUT you have to get up right?!  I mean I miss my mom SOO ridiculously much every day but I can't give up.  I'm only about to turn 30!  If I gave up my mom would kick my ass in my dreams.  She would be so mad at me.  That's not how she raised me.  

So this year I am trying to change things a bit. I decided to start a new(for us) Christmas tradition.  Something new to give me barrier for the holidays.  I bought Christmas stockings and holders and put fun things in them.  One for me, one for my papa, one for my sis, one for my soon to be brother(in law) and one for each of the puppers. 

This is my way of trying to pick myself up.  What's yours?  What do you do when times are tough and you think you won't get through it? 

Sometimes I play Daniel Bedingfields song "Gotta Get Through This".  Those words and the up beat tempo sometimes are a good motivator.  No matter what we will get through this.  There are so many people and animals for that matter that are so much less fortunate then I.  I feel ashamed for moping at times.  I will get through this.  Will life kick me when I'm down?  Yeah, probably, but no one ever said life would be easy or fair right?

Alright well I have jumped around and gone from sad to positive, back to sad and back to even almost inspirational.  I hope someone takes something good out of this and passes it on to someone who may need it. Good night all.  :)

A Thought for the Evening....

You know you are too fat when you are lying in bed trying to get comfortable and you think to yourself, "man my big belly is getting in the way" and you aren't 8 or 9 months pregnant.  :(  Sigh.  Oh well.  Good night all. 

Scream, Life Can Make You Want To

Ever feel like you're losing a grip on reality and yourself?  Like everyone and everything is against you?  This is borderline how I feel today.  Everything is irritating me.   I feel like screaming!  I love my friend and want to meet her fiancé, his birthday is today.  HOWEVER, I just want to go home, crawl into bed, put a nice pack on my head and make the day go away.  Sigh.  

I started out so well too.  I have a coworker though, love them, but they are always so negative!  It makes it hard to stay upbeat and not negative.  I don't know how to tell them either.  I don't want to hurt their feelings.  

Today started out so early, as every Saturday and Sunday do for me.  Thank goodness for my friend Lindsay.  She sells Advocare and I bought some Spark from her.  It's a healthy energy drink mix, tasted like orange juice a bit and it's pretty much on par with the effects of coffee or Noz.  Woke me up this morning on my drive to work for sure!  And let me tell ya, when driving 50 miles to work in the morning, an awake Dorota, is a good Dorota.  I really want to try their 24 day challenge.  I think it would be a good way to push my weight loss goals.   :)  If you've never heard of it but I've peeked your interest, check out her site and contact her.  :)  Her site is.... http://advocare.com/130810334

Frustration

I am so frustrated with my body.  If it's not one thing it's another.  Or both.  Or many things.  I thought my headache went away earlier today, but no, it came back in full force.  Excedrin didn't help and the oxy that I still have from my surgery didn't work after the surgery so I doubt it would work on a migraine. 

I have an idea of what's causing the migraines lately, the double dose of progesterone.  Depo shot and IUD make for a lot of progesterone.  In theory, this is supposed to stop my constant period, but is it worth the expense of a constant headache?  Will I eventually get used to it?  How am I supposed to work out with a constant migraine?  Should I just bite the bullet and get the hysterectomy?  

Let me tell you, Tuesday I was pulling out from in front of the house and these kids were walking behind me while I'm pulling out.  And one is mindlessly drawing on the pavement behind my car as I'm trying to back up.  These kids are probably about 8 to 12.  They CLEARLY shod know better.  If I had ever done that when I was little my mom would have had my butt.  But kids these days feel so entitled to everything.  To say what they want, to walk where they want.  They don't have to pay attention because they are the child and we (strangers) have to be responsible for THEIR actions.  It really enforced my not want for children and made me think that maybe a hysterectomy is a blessing for me.  I will be the best aunt and "aunt" to my sisters kid(s) and my friends kids and I will spoil them rotten(but still hold them up to common decency and common sense standards).  I will not allow them to act a fool like a lot of parents allow their kids to do nowadays.  Not acceptable.  

Anyway, I have a post op scheduled for next Tuesday, I will ask my doc all these questions.  For now, I have taken many meds and need to try to go to sleep to make this migraine go away.  Good night all.  Wish me luck.