Monday, September 14, 2015

Let's Try This Again

Hello everyone!  It has been nearly a year since my last post and I apologize for that.  I have come to the realization that I have gone beyond any weight that I have ever been at!  I am about 5"1' and today at Weight Watchers I weighed in at a STAGGERING 273.8!  
Now for whatever reason as you can see my app is not reflecting tonight's weigh in.  However I took a screen shot of this screen to show you, what I was at 7/27/15.  I was at 281.8.  That is very, very close to 300.   At 5"1', that is simply not ok.  Not healthy, and not normal.  It really disgusted me a bit.  I am ashamed of myself and what I have allowed myself to do to my body.  I realized today that recently I have been doing nothing but eating.  At work while sitting at my desk working and eating, at home while relaxing, eating.  I think a lot of it has to do with being stressed, some of it with being depressed and some of it with simply being bored.  

At times I think simply maybe I need to change up my antidepressants.  But really I just need to monitor my food and stop eating everything in sight.  Oh and of course go to the gym.  Or do anything to put more activity in my life. 

I need to do something. Today in Wright Watchers we talked about our stories of why we joined and why we keep doing it.  This is my why...

My mom - died December 2011 due to a blood clot that went to her lungs.  She was thinner then me and still not healthy. Led a pretty sedentary life style and very much an unhealthy one. 

I want to look good naked.  I want to feel good naked.  

I want to feel good, inside and out.  

I want to do it for the "daaaaaaamn you look hot"!

I want to do it so I can find my +1.  I don't have a significant other and I feel a bit sad and pathetic. 

These are my reasons.  I realize that a lot of them are very superficial and probably silly to some, but I really am so tired of being fat and sad and pathetic.  

Anyway.  I need to get back on the metaphorical horse and get to it.  I won't loose this weight by doing nothing to change. Wish me luck.  I hope you will stick by me in this journey.  I hope my struggles and successes will encourage you.  


Friday, November 7, 2014

Fabuuuuulous!

Today was a good day.  I went to the gym and the trainer helped kick my butt a bit.  Kicked my own for a bit before the trainer did too.  I got on the elliptical for a bit and burnt over 100 calories in 10 minutes.  I don't know if that's extra ordinary, in fact I'm pretty sure it's average but I am happy with it.  Every little bit helps.  :)  

I am also pretty darn proud of myself because I stayed under my WW Points+ for the day.  Also stayed under my calories for the day.  Pretty excited about that!  And that was with indulging in my coffee habit!  With my schedule at work being. 4PM to 12:30AM sometimes I just need to indulge or I will fall asleep and something tells me my work would not appreciate that.  Lol.  :)

I applied for a couple different positions at my work today too.  Sooooooooo nervous!  I hope I get it, I hope I get it!  Gah!  

Tomorrow....today I guess at this point since it is after 1:30AM, I am going to get up early so that te alarm guy can come and program the alarm fob thingy and then the gym, them get ready for work and more overtime.  On this coming up check I will have over 20 hours of overtime.  I know there are people out there who do 20+ hours of overtime in a week but cut me some slack I'm just starting out!  Lol!  More overtime to come for sure.  Hoping to be doing more overtime per week soon. We shall see what develops.  

Wish me luck my friends!   And have a good night...morning...whatever time it is.  Lol!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Eye Opener

So today was a bit of an eye opener for me.  I haven't tracked my food for a while now and it clearly shows.  I have lost grasp of how fast points add up.  I will not even admit to how many points I ate today.  It is shameful.  :(  Now I could make excuses and say well I had a long day (started work at 7am and and off at 12:30 am) and I needed the calories to power through but that would be a lie.  Fact is I could have planned better and chosen healthier things that would have given me the energy I needed.   I did track it all though.  I'm not going to stick my head in the sand any more.  

That being said tomorrow before my overtime at work I will be going to the gym and working my butt off.  No more excuses.  I can't.  I just can't do this anymore.  I can't continue being this fat and feeling this gross.  It's not acceptable.  People say that you should  love yourself the way you are and so should others.  But that's not healthy either.  You shouldn't accept yourself unhealthy.  You should strive to be healthy.  And others who love you should want you happy and healthy as well. 

I sometimes think back to when I was little and I was thin and I ran around like crazy and I really miss those days.  I know it's silly because I was a little kid and now I'm not but I just miss that energy and that lack to stuff myself with food.

I also miss living alone and being able to chose what's in the house to eat.  My dad feels that I should just not eat the bad stuff that he buys.  I try to explain that I didn't get this way by being able to show restrain and stop myself from eating like a pig, but he doesn't care.  It's not convinient for him so that's the way it will stay.  I love m dad but his lack of understanding frustrates me.  He calls himself a realist, I call it jackass behavior. There was a reason after all as to why I moved out.  This was one of them.  Again I love my dad but it's just frustrating.  

My sis on the other hand has buckled down and is eatingn well and exercising and she is losing weight.  She has lost like 9 lbs!  :)

Monday, November 3, 2014

Overview since 6/27/14

Alright, so let us catch up!  Last we left off the day of my surgery.  As you may remember I was afraid of the pain after the surgery and the of how long it would take for me to recover.  Both of those worries thankfully turned out to be a non-issue.  I got some pain meds, but I really used them very sporadically for the first week, since they didn't really work and I wasn't in much pain I stopped taking them.  My recovery was only 3 weeks!  That is amazing compared to the 6 to 7 weeks that everywhere else and everyone else was telling me to expect.  And honestly I really could have probably gone back the second week.  My doctor was just amazing.

A month and a half or so later I was back in the hospital.  This time though I was in the hospital for several days.  I woke one day and I could not balance, I could not walk, I was severely dehydrated, and I spent the whole day sleeping.  I felt AWFUL, just awful.  I didn't know what was going on but I was worried.  I fell multiple times, including in the shower(tore down my shower curtain), and while attempting to go to work one day I hit a parking pole at work and damaged my car.  I went to the doctor, though not my usual doctor and she dismissed it as a vaginal infection and dehydration.  Gave me a prescription for antibiotics and sent me home and said to hydrate (gee, I had NEVER thought of that).  So I give the antibiotics a few days to work, usually you'll start to feel better at that point, uuuummmmm, yeah nope.   Felt WORSE!  So I decided I can't make the trek up north to Seattle to see a doctor at my doctors office again.  So I found a clinic near my house.  First of all the doctor there didn't take me seriously.  I tell him, I can't get enough to drink, my blood pressure is super low, I can't balance I can't work, I need to work, I live by myself, I can't afford to miss work.  I think this has to do with my dehydration, I don't know why I am so dehydrated but I am.  What does he say?  I'm not concerned about that yet!  REALLY?!  REALLY?!  Because I'm pretty sure I just told you I am and that should MAKE it your concern.  Secondly, they couldn't even draw my blood.  They tried twice, poorly, and sent me to the hospital to have my blood drawn.  By the time the clinic finished with doing nothing to help me the hospital blood draw section was closed.  So I go the next day.  Took them 10 seconds, no joke 10 seconds to find my vein, despite still being dehydrated.  The next day I get a call telling me I need to go to the ER right away.  Not only were my white blood cell counts very high, my potassium level was very low and there was something else that I can't remember at the moment.  Anyway.  I go to the ER and they do x-rays, a CAT scan, lots and I mean LOTS of blood draws, an external and internal ultrasound.  If you've ever had an internal ultrasound you will probably understand when I say that after having one done before my hysterectomy I had hoped to NEVER have one again.  It was uncomfortable and painful.  I was there, dehydrated and unable to drink anything between 2:40 PM and 1:50 AM.  They thought I might have a complication from the hysterectomy and that maybe my left ovary twisted and wasn't getting blood.  So because of the possibility of another surgery I couldn't eat or drink anything.  Yay.  In the end it turned out to be diverticulitis, AKA a colon infection.  If you aren't familiar with diverticulitis it is basically caused by too little fiber and not enough exercise.  This might be TMI but I take 2 to 3 poops a DAY, how I was low on fiber I could not understand.  Apparently just because you poop a lot doesn't mean you are getting enough fiber.  I never want to feel like that again.  It was so scary.  I just can't even explain everything about it.  I think I'm blocking most of it out.  But basically after all that they checked me in at 2 AM and started pumping antibiotics, fluids, potassium and probiotics through an IV into me.  A couple days later I was released with a 10 day prescription of more antibiotics.

After that for a while life went back to normal for a while. Other then my hair falling out like crazy!  Then about 2 weeks ago shit hit the fan.  One of my best friends brother who had been fighting cancer for the last year lost the battle.  Another friend of mine, her grandma passed away.  That same day I get a text message from a guy I had been seeing shortly before.  He had some crazy ex-girlfriend issues come up and suddenly stopped texting me, so I assumed that he had gone back to his ex and that was that.  Let me tell ya, not the first d-bag experience I had had.  I wish that would have been the case.  I wish I could say that he was happily living it up with his ex and life went on for both of us like normal.  But he had been in a severe car accident and he was physically and mentally injured.  He is partially brain damaged now.  I called him on my lunch that day and the whole time I was speaking with him I was crying.  He sounded different.  He was not himself anymore.  He can't text well and doesn't know simple words.  He went from being a painter and guitar player with hopes of moving up at work to not understanding the term crazy bitch (which I called his baby mama) during a texting conversation.  I am trying to still talk to him and keep in contact because it wouldn't be fair to ditch him due to this circumstance.  Less then a week later I had to move back in with my dad (took two days off of work for that and got in trouble for it as I had no sick time or vacation time left since it was all used on my surgery and the week I was out due to the diverticulitis), because he doesn't like the smell of guinea pigs I had to get rid of them.  That was so hard to do on top of everything else.  Then was the funeral for my friends brother.  It was amazing to see so many people loved him.  He was in a motorcycle club and the family was escorted by the club and several related chapter to the funeral.  The roar of the bikes was amazing.  So much love.

That brings me up to now.  For a while now I have been talking to a great guy.  He has listened to all this stuff lately and has been so understanding.  I'm hopeful.  Things are so far going well.  I decided after everything that's been going on that it really is time to just get my shit together and take care of myself.  I am fortunate enough to not have to pay rent at my dad's.  My original plan was to move out between January and March but I am pondering postponing that a bit.  I will see what develops.  I am trying to find a second job before I move out again.  In the mean time I started the process of taking care of myself by re-signing up for the gym.  I got a monthly personal trainer as well which is something I have never done before.  I'm hoping it makes a difference.  I also will be re-committing to doing Weight Watchers.  I fell of the WW wagon for a while.  I can't keep using life as an excuse.  Life will keep happening, you have to push through it.   One of my other best friends had a baby recently and he is just adorable!  From the moment I saw him in pictures I have wanted to just hold him and protect him.  And I don't even like kids normally but it is my friends kid.  If I feel this way about her kid, how will I feel about my sisters kid?!

Wow, that was long and kinda rambly.  But you get the point.  Anyway, time for me to go to bed.  I have a personal trainer appointment tomorrow, then 3 hours over time and then I'm going to see the baby!  Have a great night!

Friday, June 27, 2014

I survived!

My surgery went amazing well and I am feeling pretty darn good.  Does it hurt?  Well duh!  But not nearly as much as I was anticipating.  I thought stairs would be rough but that wasn't too bad either.  The hardest part I think is sitting down and standing up.  But anyway.  Left the hospital, waited upwards of 45 minutes for my meds at the hospital and now I am home sweet home and my sis is here to take care of me.  Have to admit I am tired.  Didn't think I would be this tired today.  Oh well rest is required after surgery.  :) Goodnight all!  I may not knock out yet but I'm going to relax.  Have a great night!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

June 26th

Tomorrow, almost today really, is the big day for me.  Tomorrow is surgery day.  I am excited, I am nervous, I am hopeful, I am scared and I am slightly sad.  

I am sad at the thought of not being able to have my own kids, myself anyway.  I would have to have a surrogate.  

I am scared that something will go wrong and that my pain meds won't work. (I hate being resistant to meds).  I am also nervous for these reasons.  I guess I could really lump the two together...I'm nervcred?  I'm scarvous?  I don't know.  Whatever it is...it is.

I am hopeful that I will no longer have these issues and that this in turn will help me lose weight.  Yes, I do know that many people say they gain weight after, but per research I have done on the internet which I have no site for (I think it was WebMD) it said that women gain weight after this surgery due to prolonged periods of not doing anything. Now you may be wondering, hmmmm, why does she hope to lose weight?  This has nothing to do with losing weight, does it?  Well you would be correct, it doesn't.  My theory and hope is two fold.  One, when you take out a uterus, tubes and a cervix, that's a whole lot of tissue!  That's gotta weigh at least a couple pounds right?!  That is my less logical hope.  My second hope/theory is that it will curb my appetite a bit for meat.  You see even though I have had this stupid gushing period for many years now, and I have lost many pints of blood due to it throughout the years, I have never been anemic or lacked iron.  I propose that this is due to my craving for meat.  This being said I hope that after my surgery I will stop craving meat so much since my blood level will even out and I won't need so much iron.  Now honestly, I don't know if this is realistic or not.  I told my doc this theory and she didn't dispute it so I think it gives it merit.  I guess only time will tell.  :)

And I am excited!  I am excited to finally feel like I have control over my body.  I am excited to spend some quality time with my sis who will be taking care of me Friday and Saturday night. (Thursday I spend the night at the hospital).  And I am excited to get to spend time at home for a couple weeks and get some reading done for my Insurance class test in September.  

Now in all honesty we will see how things develop and maybe I will just spend the next two weeks knocked out.  

I printed off a Last Will and Testament form and a Living Will form.  The things you can find online.  I tell ya!  But you have to think of these things before going under the knife.  You can't leave things up to chance...well let me rephrase that, you SHOULDN'T leave things up to chance.  

Anyway I should probably go back to getting my place cleaned up before tomorrow.  Don't want to come home to an obstacle course.  :)

Good night everyone and wish me luck tomorrow.  I'm thinking good thoughts!

Monday, June 2, 2014

Iiiiiii'mmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaack!

It has been way too long since I have posted here.  I apologize for that.  Life took hold of me and wouldn't let go.  So many changes have occurred and so much has happened.  

I switched jobs, planned a bridal shower and a bachlorette party, had decided to let a friend go, moved and fought with family.  I ran out of meds and lost my mind for a hot minute.  And for a while I had been having a hard time being positive and happy.  Been concentrating on the bad and playing victim, thinking why is this happening TO me?!  Feeling overwhelmed and just tired and sad. A few weeks ago I had a self reflection moment and I decided I was done throwing myself a pitty party, I was done playing victim and I was done being sad and pathetic.  I decided to be happy.  Let me tell you it has payed off.  Not only am I actually happy but I was down 2.8 lbs the first week at weigh in.  Needless to say, that made me even happier.  :)  Even when I went up I was only up by one pound and now I am back down 1.4.  It's not a HUGE amount but it's steps in the right direction. 

Tonight I reorganized my fridge to make it more WW friendly.  The way fridges are designed veggies and fruits are hidden in a drawer and let's face it, we forget about them.  We waste money by letting it spoil and we end up eating complete CRAP instead.  I decided to put some drinks and my veggies on top, fruits and eggs below that and the bottom shelf is bread, cheese and meat.  The drawer is now for my alcohol and other crap that really don't need to be out in the open because I should NOT be consuming it that often.  Out of sight and out of mind...I hope anyway!  UFTA!



FINALLY I have been able to schedule my surgery and it's coming up QUICK!  June 26th I'm going under the knife.  Wish me luck folks!  I'm kinda scared.  Didn't realize it was that serious of a procedure.  My sis went in to have her gallbladder removed and she was in and out the same day, I'm gonna be spending a night or two in the hospital and out of work for 3+ weeks.   Sigh.  We will see what develops.  

On a sad note my fishy, Frankie the Fin passed away not long ago.   😥  I decided I can't do fish anymore.  I don't have the best of luck with them.  So I decided to get guinea pigs.  I got them from Craig's List.  A mom and daughter combo.  Super cute.  The mom has warmed up to me but the daughter is still cautious.  

Frankie the Fin...

Mama...

Daughter...


Well ladies and gents I think it's time to say goodnight.  It has been a long day and I am ready for some peace and quiet.