A Lose!

As I wrote yesterday I was fully expecting a gain this week, but I was rewarded once again!  I lost 1.6 lbs!  Given in 2 weeks that's not tremendous, HOWEVER, given I thought I was going to gain, it's huge for me.  It got me excited and gave me hope. Tomorrow my work week starts and so do my workouts.  Pretty excited about getting back in the gym after not going for so long. 

Thursday is Halloween, sadly I probably won't be home until about 8:30(if I skip the gym) which means I will miss most of the trick or treaters.  Even thought I'm not a fan of kids, on Halloween they look adorable all dressed up!  I am dressing up for work tomorrow!  A friend is lending me these goggles to complete my outfit, super perfect for it!  I am dressing up as a minion.  I took a selfie of myself in the mirror, kind of blurry, but you get the idea.  :)

Well it's almost time for bed, I have to drop off my sisters puppers at her house before work so I have to be up a little early tomorrow.  Good night all!  :)

A Heck of Couple Weeks

Between being sick and my last doctors visit I have not been wanting or been able to work out.  And now it's so hard to get back into it.  It always happens like this.  I get on a good track of exercising and then I get sick and a couple weeks later my lazy bones mode takes over and it's hard to get back into the gym.  I need to go back.  I need to start over.  Tuesday I need to go into the Weight Watchers meeting and face the facts.  Last Tuesday I didn't go into a meeting because I had an interview during that time and I feel like I missed something.

I really didn't think this would be this hard.  I knew it would be hard, don't get me wrong.  But this is so much harder.  I am so tired.  I struggle with the idea of the surgery and I struggle with decisions that should come naturally.  I know that the right decision between a burger and lets say some chicken is the chicken but sometimes I just have such a ridiculous craving and I have a hard time controlling the portions.  Sometimes it seems like the craving just goes on for too long and not being able to control that scares me a bit.

Some are amazed at how ridiculous open and honest I have been in this blog.  I really feel the need to be though.  I know that if I'm not honest it won't help me or anyone else who may read this.  Plus I know that if I start being half truthful it's all down hill from there.

I have to admit I'm starting to doubt my ability to lose enough weight by my dirty 30 event.  I have about 60 pounds to loose in the next 6, almost 7 weeks.  Nearly 10 pounds a week.  I really doubt this is possible at this point.  I feel so disappointed in myself.  This has been an on going battle for so many years and I feel like I just can't win.  Self doubt is such a dangerous thing.  When I get into that mode I try to listen to my gym workout list.  I have upbeat, empowering songs on there that help get me out of that mood.  Some days I have to listen longer then others.  I guess that's the way life rolls though right?  Ups, downs, twists and turns.  Sigh.

Well it's time for me to get to sleep.  I have an interview, part 2 tomorrow.  Good night all and wish me luck!

Not Too Shabby

This week I walked into Weight Watchers confident that I had gained.  Amazingly enough though I had lost 0.8 lbs.  now given that is not what I'm shooting for, however given that I was sick and missed the gym I really can't complain, especially since I thought I was going to gain.  I will take that 0.8 lbs and I will do my happy dance.  :)

Halloween is right around the corner and I am excited!  I've always enjoyed Halloween.  Being with friends, dancing, enjoying things.  Love it.  Every year since high school I have been a "sexy" something, devil, cop, fallen angel, blah, blah, blah.  This year I decided to go comfortable!  I am going to be a minion(from the movie Despicable Me). I decided though to piece my costume together and not get a generic one from the store.  I have to admit I did a pretty dang good job!   My hat....

I went to Value Village and got overalls and a yellow sweater.  At WalMart I got the hat, black pipe cleaners, goggles and shoes.  Under $40 for everything and mine is better then the generic.  :)

This week has been such a roller coaster emotionally.  Especially yesterday and today.  This next part gets very personal, so if you don't want to know this much about me I suggest switching to a different post.  

I have had a continues period for years.  My doctor tried different pills and they didn't work, what they decided is that it was a polyp on my cervix.  So they took that off(not fun....at all), well the bleeding still continued so now they want to do surgery.  Remove anything left of the polyp and see what else could be going on.  Neither the doctor nor I believe it is the polyp. 

It wasn't really until yesterday after the pre-op appointment and when I was heading home from my friends house that it really hit me.  If this doesn't work the next steps would really involve cauterizing the uterus or cervix(I can't remember at this point)so that it doesn't bleed.  What that would mean is no kids. Well either that or staying with a constant period.  Neither sound appealing.  Now mind you for years I have been saying that I don't want kids, I'm not a fan of kids, they scare me.  However what if things change?  My mom said the same thing when she was my age but when she met and married my dad she decided she had to have children.  I am not even thirty yet, I don't want to make such a permanent decision.  There is the egg freezing option but from what I've read it is expensive and not covered by insurance.  So there it is.  

Honestly, I am scared shitless for this surgery.  I've never had as much as a broken bone in my body.  The idea of being under anesthesia scares me.  You can either be given too little and you wake up during the operation or too much and you can die.  My body doesn't accept medicine very well, Vicodin when I had it in the past for tooth pain didn't touch it, didn't do anything.  So what if I do wake up during the procedure.  

What bothers me though as well is that I told a couple people about this and they came up with some(in my opinion) stupid things.  Like oh don't be scared, or you can't be afraid of what hasn't happened, or if you die then at least you won't have anything to worry about anymore.   

I'm not saying my fear is completely rational and yeah maybe I am blowing this way out of proportion but that is some half assed shit to say.  These mind you are some of my best friends and/or family.  I always try to be there for people and this made me feel a bit abandoned.  To the point where honestly I don't know that I want much to do with these people right now.  I feel like my friendship is one sided.  I'm on the verge of just deleting my Facebook too.  It has been annoying me lately anyway and I just don't know that I care that much anymore.  I kind of wish I could move to another state and start over.  I know it sounds so drastic but I just feel so overwhelmed and confused.  I didn't even go to work today.  I spent hours last night crying about this and I had a major migraine when I woke up.  When I did wake up I continued to cry a little longer.  

I know that there are people out there with much worse situations and that I should really be thankful that this is all that's the matter.  But I can't help but throw myself a pitty party right now.  

A Long Day

When it comes down to it I realize that I got up at 7ish and now it's only a little after 11, but with still not being 100% and popping DayQuil today at work like that was my job. It made for a bit of rough day back. 

Work was a little all over the place, slow and fast and then slow again.  Got a nice surprise though, it's employee appreciation week at my job and we each got two AMC tickets and two popcorn balls and a pair of sunglasses.  The sunglasses are not the coolest thing but for a free pair and if I'm in need they will do just fine.  I devoured the popcorn balls, delish. And am looking forward to using the tickets.  Hmmmmm, who to take?  :)  Other then the popcorn balls and the mini pretzel bags I did pretty dang good today.  I was tired (still sick and all) and I have to admit I had a hard time not over indulging in the calories. 

No gym sadly.  I had to make a stop at my sisters house and I don't think she would have appreciated me stopping by around 9:30 or 10, especially since she's fighting off a cold as well.  Now I love my sister, we are actually very tight, but I am worried about her.  Her wedding as I mentioned before, is in May.  She keeps trying these quick weightloss tricks and then she gives up on it.  It's such a yoyo effect on her that I'm worried she won't fit into her dress that she bought in the size she wants to be for the wedding, and more importantly that she is harming her body.  She is taller then I am and weighs about 10 lbs less but she is still far from being at a healthy weight.  She was never like this is the problem and when her thyroid, like mine went wacko it has made it hard for her to lose weight. I tried to talk to her but she didn't take me seriously and just laughed it off.  I don't know what to do.  

After my sisters I stopped by my friends house to drop off a DVD and went home.  I wasn't going to cook, I was going to just go to bed but I remembered that I don't have anything for lunch tomorrow.  So I cooked up some amazingness for dinner and leftovers for lunch.  Yummy!

OHHHHH, I can't believe I almost forgot! I am sad to report I gained 1.8 lbs.  Boooooo!  I am not a happy camper.  I in all honesty was almost expecting for it to be worse, however that still doesn't make it ok.  Back to the gym tomorrow!  Woot!  Well I guess that's it for today, good night all!

Boo Boo to Sickiness

The last week or so I haven't been feeling well.  I think this may be in part why I have been so tired, my body was trying to kick this thing and finally it couldn't. 

Thank goodness I had arranged to have Saturday and Sunday off for my friends dirty 30 birthday.  We kept it pretty low key, went out to dinner and had vodka soaked gummy bears and jello shots and played board games.  A great night but Sunday I woke up with a swollen uvula to the point of gagging on it.  Thank goodness for Dayquil.  I took some and the swelling went down.  When I got home I slept and then I slept some more and oh yeah today I slept some more.  I feel so much better today though.  I woke up without a swollen uvula and my fever was down.  Now of course I can't really sleep but I will attempt to in a moment. 

Sadly this does mean that I am expecting a bad weigh in tomorrow.  Most people lose weight when they are sick because they have a hard time eating, yeeeeeaaaahhh that's not me.  Because I'm at home I tend to eat more and with not moving much I haven't worked it off.  Even my ActiveLink is saying 0 points burned.  Makes me sad.  Oh well. 

Friday I am going shopping with a friend for new running and or training shoes.  I'm honestly not sure which ones I need.  From the research I've done it seems like the more appropriate shoes would be cross trainers.  My friend loves to run so I know she will help guide me in the right direction.  We will hit up maybe Famous Footwear, Sports Authority and Big 5 Sporting Goods.  She is a fan of Asics and I have heard great things about them.  I tried to read reviews for this years shoes online but every article had a different shoe as their favorite.  I don't think any of them take all the shoes and test them, they probably just test a few and that makes things a little inconsistent.  I think the key is to try them on and see how they feel.  It can make it a little expensive, if the ones you choose don't work out, however this is why I'm taking my friend.  :)

Alright, now that it's 1 am I think I should attempt this thing called sleep again.  No other way to get better then to let your body rest and do it's recovery thing.

Good night all.  I will keep you updated on my weigh in tomorrow.  Good or bad, you know I won't lie to you.  :)

Working Hard for my...GOAL!

I have to admit I have been super tired lately...still!  Ufta!  To the point where on Monday I had a doctors appointment in the morning, then I went for lunch with my friend and then since I was up north I decided to go to the gym.  Well, yeah, I went to the gym.  I got as far as the parking lot.  I parked the car and I knocked out.  For about twenty minutes to half an hour I was out like a light.  So when I woke up I went home, no gym for me.  I went to bed and laid down for a nap.  I set my alarm to leave about an hour later to the martial arts class, yeah, that did NOT happen.  I woke up a few times in between when I laid down and morning but only for a minute and then I was out again.  My alarm for Weight Watchers apparently didn't faze me either.  I woke up at 9am, the time I'm supposed to leave for Weight Watchers.  Took a quick shower and I was off. 

The weigh in went well.  I was down 1.4 lbs!  Not too shabby.  Not what I was shooting for, but better then nothing and definitely better then gaining.  :)  Then I had a pretty productive day, got my oil changed, changed the filter in my car, ALL BY MYSELF!  Ok, yes it is SUPER easy, however I have never done that before so I was pretty proud of myself.  YouTubed it and got it done.  Did laundry, cleaned my bathroom, and then went to dinner at my friends house. 

Today was better, I felt a bit more rested though still like I could sleep all day.  I did go to the gym and didn't fall asleep in the parking lot this time.  LOL!  I kicked my butt.  I stopped when I thought I was going to throw up.  I did a half hour on the Arc Trainer and in half an hour I did 1.7 miles, last time I did the Arc Trainer I did 1.65 miles in half an hour.  So a small improvement, but still an improvement, I will take it!  :)  What was a little strange is that last time I burned off 517 calories and this time I only burned off 516 calories, even though I did 0.05 more of a mile.  I also did a Back Extension Machine and the Torso Rotation Machine.

Next week I am house sitting for a friend and she fairly recently got a new mattress, so I think this will let me see if maybe I just need a new mattress and that's why I'm sleeping so bad.  I have had my mattress since before I was 21, so about 10 years.  We shall see what develops.  :)

Well I'm going to cut up some meat and head to bed.  Good night all!