A Heck of Couple Weeks

Between being sick and my last doctors visit I have not been wanting or been able to work out.  And now it's so hard to get back into it.  It always happens like this.  I get on a good track of exercising and then I get sick and a couple weeks later my lazy bones mode takes over and it's hard to get back into the gym.  I need to go back.  I need to start over.  Tuesday I need to go into the Weight Watchers meeting and face the facts.  Last Tuesday I didn't go into a meeting because I had an interview during that time and I feel like I missed something.

I really didn't think this would be this hard.  I knew it would be hard, don't get me wrong.  But this is so much harder.  I am so tired.  I struggle with the idea of the surgery and I struggle with decisions that should come naturally.  I know that the right decision between a burger and lets say some chicken is the chicken but sometimes I just have such a ridiculous craving and I have a hard time controlling the portions.  Sometimes it seems like the craving just goes on for too long and not being able to control that scares me a bit.

Some are amazed at how ridiculous open and honest I have been in this blog.  I really feel the need to be though.  I know that if I'm not honest it won't help me or anyone else who may read this.  Plus I know that if I start being half truthful it's all down hill from there.

I have to admit I'm starting to doubt my ability to lose enough weight by my dirty 30 event.  I have about 60 pounds to loose in the next 6, almost 7 weeks.  Nearly 10 pounds a week.  I really doubt this is possible at this point.  I feel so disappointed in myself.  This has been an on going battle for so many years and I feel like I just can't win.  Self doubt is such a dangerous thing.  When I get into that mode I try to listen to my gym workout list.  I have upbeat, empowering songs on there that help get me out of that mood.  Some days I have to listen longer then others.  I guess that's the way life rolls though right?  Ups, downs, twists and turns.  Sigh.

Well it's time for me to get to sleep.  I have an interview, part 2 tomorrow.  Good night all and wish me luck!