Halloween is right around the corner and I am excited! I've always enjoyed Halloween. Being with friends, dancing, enjoying things. Love it. Every year since high school I have been a "sexy" something, devil, cop, fallen angel, blah, blah, blah. This year I decided to go comfortable! I am going to be a minion(from the movie Despicable Me). I decided though to piece my costume together and not get a generic one from the store. I have to admit I did a pretty dang good job! My hat....
I went to Value Village and got overalls and a yellow sweater. At WalMart I got the hat, black pipe cleaners, goggles and shoes. Under $40 for everything and mine is better then the generic. :)
This week has been such a roller coaster emotionally. Especially yesterday and today. This next part gets very personal, so if you don't want to know this much about me I suggest switching to a different post.
I have had a continues period for years. My doctor tried different pills and they didn't work, what they decided is that it was a polyp on my cervix. So they took that off(not fun....at all), well the bleeding still continued so now they want to do surgery. Remove anything left of the polyp and see what else could be going on. Neither the doctor nor I believe it is the polyp.
It wasn't really until yesterday after the pre-op appointment and when I was heading home from my friends house that it really hit me. If this doesn't work the next steps would really involve cauterizing the uterus or cervix(I can't remember at this point)so that it doesn't bleed. What that would mean is no kids. Well either that or staying with a constant period. Neither sound appealing. Now mind you for years I have been saying that I don't want kids, I'm not a fan of kids, they scare me. However what if things change? My mom said the same thing when she was my age but when she met and married my dad she decided she had to have children. I am not even thirty yet, I don't want to make such a permanent decision. There is the egg freezing option but from what I've read it is expensive and not covered by insurance. So there it is.
Honestly, I am scared shitless for this surgery. I've never had as much as a broken bone in my body. The idea of being under anesthesia scares me. You can either be given too little and you wake up during the operation or too much and you can die. My body doesn't accept medicine very well, Vicodin when I had it in the past for tooth pain didn't touch it, didn't do anything. So what if I do wake up during the procedure.
What bothers me though as well is that I told a couple people about this and they came up with some(in my opinion) stupid things. Like oh don't be scared, or you can't be afraid of what hasn't happened, or if you die then at least you won't have anything to worry about anymore.
I'm not saying my fear is completely rational and yeah maybe I am blowing this way out of proportion but that is some half assed shit to say. These mind you are some of my best friends and/or family. I always try to be there for people and this made me feel a bit abandoned. To the point where honestly I don't know that I want much to do with these people right now. I feel like my friendship is one sided. I'm on the verge of just deleting my Facebook too. It has been annoying me lately anyway and I just don't know that I care that much anymore. I kind of wish I could move to another state and start over. I know it sounds so drastic but I just feel so overwhelmed and confused. I didn't even go to work today. I spent hours last night crying about this and I had a major migraine when I woke up. When I did wake up I continued to cry a little longer.
I know that there are people out there with much worse situations and that I should really be thankful that this is all that's the matter. But I can't help but throw myself a pitty party right now.
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